


patch me up

by sleepytimejared



Series: polygrumps fics [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Audible Hallucinations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 21:28:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5841622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepytimejared/pseuds/sleepytimejared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in a world where arin was falling to pieces again and again, dan made him feel whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	patch me up

They hadn't been this bad in months - the voices in his head - they were screaming at him, telling him he was worthless, unloved, ugly, unwanted. Arin could barely even breathe, let alone think, as he'd stumbled up the stairs, nearly tripping more than once. It took him a few moments of blinded movements before he finally found his bathroom, practically falling into the room and ripping open the medicine cabinet.

Pills. His fucking _pills_. He hadn't taken them for three days, so caught up in Starbomb and Game Grumps and happiness to remember to take the medicine that kept him sane, that kept him going.

He fumbled four pills (an even number, always has to be an even number) from the orange bottle and swallowed them dry, more than the required dosage but he didn't care, he just needed the voices to stop.

They'd started a few days ago; a quiet whisper in his ear that he could easily ignore, barely even noticed they were there. However, they'd escalated, gradually gaining volume until they were yelling and he couldn't ignore them anymore. He'd quickly stopped the recording for the Steam Train episode and practically sprinted out of the office and into his car, leaving behind a deeply worried Ross and Dan, yelling his name.

Dan, god, _Dan_. Why hadn't Arin just told him the voices were back? Just said their 'safe word' so Dan could've helped him. Dan always knew what to do. Why did he never fucking ask for help?

_Because no one deserves to have to deal with your bullshit problems._

The voices had stopped their screeching now, had shriveled down into one voice, strong and clear and terrifying, in Arins ear.

"Shut up." He whispered, but the voice didn't listen.

_Why would Dan ever worry about you? Look at you, fat, ugly, worthless. Dan deserves better than you. He doesn't really care._

"No, Dan loves me. Fuck off." He was trying to talk firmly, but the way his voice wavered showed even he didn't believe his words.

 _Who could ever love someone like_ _you? Jesus Christ, Dan doesn't fucking love you. He's just using you for an easy lay and a roof to sleep under. Sleeping with the boss always has it's privileges, even when the boss is an ugly fucker like you._

Arin broke down then, collapsing to the floor with his hands over his ears. He screamed aloud, yelled, shouted, did anything he could to try and blot out the voice but he couldn't, it was in his head, telling him all his worst nightmares, his deepest fears, over, and over again.

Which is why he didn't hear it when Dan came racing into the house, yelling his name. It was just another voice, adding to all the others that had resumed their shrieking yells at the same time as Arin had started screaming

Ross and Suzy were both with Dan, they'd all raced to Arins house together because sometimes, on the worst days, Danny couldn't handle Arin alone.

Today seemed to be one of those days. When Dan tried to touch Arin, to gather him up in his arms, Arin flailed away, almost punching Dan, and his shrieks got louder.

"Arin?" That voice. Dan's voice. Like a lighthouse in the dark. It cut through the shrieks and screams, floating around Arins head and offering minor relief from the screaming, "Arin, buddy? I need you to listen to me, okay?"

Arin's screaming softened at the sound of his boyfriends voice. He stayed silent for a second until his heaving breathing turned into loud, wailing sobs. He stayed curled up on the bathroom floor, rocking slightly, unable to force himself to look at Dan.

"You don't have to do anything major, it's okay if you can't manage it at all, but I need you to try and sit up for me, okay? Just sit up, that's all you gotta do."

Arin somehow found the strength in his trembling arms to force himself up off of the floor. He rested his back against the cool bathtub and in a flash, his eyes were slammed shut again, hands back over his ears as he resumed his agonizing cries.

The voices started up again. _It's not real, he's not really there, he's somewhere else, having fun without having to deal with your pathetic ass. Jesus, why are you so fucking stupid._

"Get the fuck away from me!" Arin yelled, "You aren't real, none of this is real! Fuck off!"

Dan let out a soft breath. "Okay, buddy," He crouched down in front of Arin, reaching a hand slowly out to him, "I'm real, I'm right here, Arin, right here with you. My name is Daniel Avidan, yeah? Yours is Arin Hanson. We live in this house together. You got that, Arin? Focus on my voice, think about us, not the voices, not whatever they're telling you, focus on me, here, right in front of you."

"It's not Dan, it can't be Dan, it can't be." Arin was sobbing now, voice completely raw from yelling and screaming.

"It's me, Arin, baby, god, I promise it's me. You can touch me if you want, if you gotta prove it to yourself, just touch my hand. I'm real." Dan put his hand flat out in front of him, palm facing upward, perfect for Arin to touch if he needed to.

Arin slowly, gingerly reached out, toward Dan's open hand, not even for a second letting himself hope that this was the real Dan. He already knew it wasn't. The voices were right, why would Dan ever want to deal with him? He had so many fucking issues, so much bullshit to deal with. He was useless, ugly, and a godawful boyfriend. Dan deserved better.

That's why shock ran through Arin when he touched Dan's palm and felt warm skin - firm and reassuring - beneath his fingertips.

"Dan?" He whispered tentatively.

"Yeah, baby, it's me, I'm here, Arin." Dan smiled softly.

Breathless with disbelief and exhaustion, Arin collapsed forward, into Dan's arms. He was practically vibrating with fear, teeth chattering and body weak. He stayed limp as Dan gathered up his dead weight and held him close, letting him sob and wail noisily. His hands were still pressed tight over his ears, trying desperately to block out the voices, he'd rather not hear anything than hear these voices.

"I can't... I can't do this anymore. I'd rather die." He whispered to himself, wincing when the voices cackled in agreement.

"Hey, baby, fuck, You're not dying on me, hear that? I wouldn't let you. I can't even imagine how hard this is on you but, god, Arin, this is the first episode you've had in months. You're gonna be okay, babe, I've got you, never letting you go, you hear me?"

Arin sobbed and pushed himself closer into Dan, needing him to hold him tighter, tight enough that it almost hurt. Anything to bring him out of the delusions, distract him from the voices.

"C'mon sweetheart, we're not doing good in here. Let's go to the bedroom, yeah? Let's get you comfy."

Dan helped Arin stand up, and was right there when Arin fell against him again, too weak to hold himself up anymore. Dan practically carried him into their room, changing him into sweats and a soft jumper, nothing rough that might freak him out even more; add some sensory overload to the already-terrible psychotic episode. Then he put Arin into bed, kissing him softly and telling him that he'd be back in a second.

Arin heard Dan talking to Ross and Suzy outside, asking them to cancel the crisis home support team that Ross had apparently called. He also asked them to find any sharp items in the house and get them out, he didn't really care where, he said, as long as Arin couldn't get them. "He seems to be out of the worst of it, but, fuck knows, we've been wrong about that before."

Those words just made Arin cry harder, guilt filling his heart. He hated the burden he was on Dan, hated that Dan worried about him so much. Dan deserved better than that. So much better.

Ross's head poked round the door, a small, inviting smile on his face.

"Hey, Arin. How're you feeling?"

Arin shrugged, slowly taking his hands off his ears and pulling the blankets tighter around him.

"You still hearing the voices?" Ross asked gently.

"They're.." Arin took in a shuddering breath, "they're quieter now. They're going."

Ross nodded, reassured, his smile widening a little. "Good. You got this, man, you're gonna be okay. And, hey, man, I don't know what's going on in that big old head of yours right now but, if you're anything like the Arin I know, then you're probably convincing yourself that you're a burden on us all, am I right?"

Arin groaned, burying his face in the covers and nodding. Ross could be a huge dick at times but he always knew him so well. Arin was so lucky to have him.

"Well, man, please try not to. It's not your fault you get bad sometimes, you don't choose that, but we choose to help you. If you were really a burden on us, we wouldn't support you, right? We make that choice, Arin, because you're our best fuckin friend and we love you, ok? We want to take care of you, man. So stop feeling goddamn guilty for needing to rely on people sometimes, we all do. Okay, man?"

Arin let out a sob, nodding, a strangled, "Okay," Coming out of his mouth.

Ross nodded with a sad grin. He patted Arin's leg then stood up and made his way to their bedroom door. "Get better soon, buddy, you know where to find me if you need me."

And, with that, he was gone, and Arin was left alone with the whispering voices. He left himself go completely, then, breaking down into heavy sobs, big tears wetting his pillow. He curled in on himself, body shaking violently.

He just wished he was better, he wished he didn't have to go through this, these episodes, these delusions, and hallucinations. He hated it all so much, they killed him. He just wanted them gone.

When the bedroom door opened, Arin didn't even look up, just buried his head in his pillow and cried even harder, hitting his fist against the pillow as his body convulsed with sobs.

"God, Arin, baby." It was Dan.

Arin felt the weight shift in the bed as Dan slid in beside him, stopping an inch away from him and softly asking, "Can I touch you, Arin?"

All it took was a short nod before Dan was wrapping himself completely around Arin. He pulled him snug against his body and circled both his arms and legs around Arin's body, whispering gentle words to him and stroking through his hair and down his back. He let Arin cry, not once hushing him or telling him to stop, jut repeating that he loved him, that he'd never leave him, that everything was going to be okay.

When the voices echoing in his head finally fizzled out into silence, Arin just started crying harder, so relieved and exhausted beyond belief.

He let himself sink into Dan's arms, his boyfriend, his boyfriend, was right here, holding him tight. Arin often felt like the world was collapsing around him, like he couldn't control anything in his life and it was all just falling to pieces around him while he broke down in the center of it. When he was with Dan, it was like all those pieces were being put back together. Slowly, but surely, every second passed meant Arin was another second closer to being whole. Dan made Arin feel _whole_.

Eventually, after a long time, he stopped crying, completely out of tears. He was almost too tired to let out another sound. Exhaustion was enveloping him and Dan seemed to notice, reaching over to flick off his bedside light so the room was plunged into a darkness which, for some reason, helped them both relax.

Arin shifted closer to Dan, seeking warmth in his arms. Tremors were still shuddering through him, his cheeks still wet with tears. Nevertheless, Dan held him tight, shushing him gently and running a big hand through his knotted, unwashed hair.

"I got you, Big Cat, don't know what I'd do without you in my life. You're so goddamn important to me. Always make me smile on bad days, fuckin' light up my life with that laugh of yours. I need you, Arin, so goddamn much. It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay, I'll never leave you." Dan had started up the gentle, loving whispers the second Arin had stopped crying. Telling Arin over and over that he was loved, he was important, and he was "beautiful. So fucking beautiful."

Arin let out another sniffle when Dan said that, not agreeing with him but not having the heart (or the energy) to argue. He looked up at Dan with red, watery eyes; wet eyelashes blinking quickly. "Will you sing to me, please?"

Dan smiled affectionately, a rush of warmth shooting through his veins, "Of course, baby."

Arin snuggled closer and closed his eyes, arms only tightening around Dan as he did so. He still felt lost, broken inside, but here, right now, with Dan, none of it seemed to matter. The world outside of their bed was slipping away, and soon enough, all Arin could focus on, could feel, was the safety of Dan's arms around him, the warmth of Dans breath against his head, and the fluttering of his heart when Dan started singing.

_"So, so you think you can tell,"_

Arin huddled under the duvet, letting warmth lap over his whole body and exhaustion pull at him, Dan's voice swirling effortlessly into his ears and around his tired head.

_"_ _Heaven from hell,_   
_Blue skies from pain,_

_Can you tell a green field_   
_from a cold steel rail?_

_A smile from a veil?_

_Do you think you could tell?_ "

By the time Dan finished, Arin had stopped shaking completely and had practically melted into his boyfriends arms. Dan's heartbeat against his palm was the only thing keeping him grounded, keeping him from floating off into some other world where nothing mattered except him and Dan.

Arin let out a quiet yawn, waves of sleepiness washing over him, taking away his painful exhaustion and leaving him with a warm, relaxed feeling. This is where he should be. This is where he belonged. Lying under a blanket of darkness with Dan pressed against him, holding him.

No matter how much the voices in Arin's head tried when things got real bad, they couldn't ever truly deny that Dan loved him. Arin didn't always feel it, god knows, sometimes he felt so alone in the world that he wondered if even he was even there at all. But the simple fact always stood, Daniel Avidan loved him; loved him so goddamn much it was hard to take in most of the time.

And, Arin loved Dan back, equally, if not more. He loved Dan for being Dan, for being his best friend, for making him smile and laugh like he never has before, for holding him together when he felt like he was falling apart. Arin loved Dan endlessly, always, and he didn't hesitate to tell Dan that.

He felt Dan's smile pressed against the top of his head, comforting in all the ways it should be. He felt it, more than heard it, when Danny breathed his reply of, "Love you too, Big Cat, to the ends of the earth."

Dan's lips pressed against his head once, twice, a third time, each as soft and tender as the last, before his head fell back against the pillow and he started to sing once more.

_"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year..."_

Arin was fast asleep before Dan even reached the next line. 

**Author's Note:**

> ok, this fic was written as a request from my friend, who suffers episodes like these as a result of her bpd. I, personally, do not have any illnesses that cause these episodes, so this was not written from first-hand experience, and I am really sorry if anything is inaccurate or wrong, please, let me know if anything offends you or anything like that, and I'll try my best to fix it. 
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this fic, and I hope you're all doing okay. Dan and Arin love you so much, they really do. stay strong lovelies  
> -tyler x


End file.
